To live dangerously,

To think different,

To become a …

rebellion

eMotions

Happiness. Sadness. Anger. Pain. Anguish. Emotions aren’t permanent. Some emotions live for a moment and some stay for a longer time. It’s all a matter of our attitude. In my life, there is one emotion that stayed a longer time and brought in many transitions in my life. Anguish. Whenever you feel some anguish, you’re closed to the world. Even to your dearest friend you’re closed. When you’re in misery you shrink, you blame, you won’t celebrate. But you can’t live in the state of misery for a long time, because, fortunately, no one has been able to resist love. When you fall in love, you become poetic. The splendor, the beauty, when it explodes within you, you will start dancing, you will start singing. You’re reborn. You’re open. You’re rebellion – rebellion out of love, rebellion out of creativity, and the rebellion wants to discontinue with the past. The rebel is a creator; his whole philosophy is that of creativity. The rebel can’t be half-hearted. He can’t choose a few things from the past, and not choose a few other things. The past as a whole has to be completely denied. Perhaps this is the reason why I refused to continue formal education, why I stopped playing Badminton, why I ignored some people, though they were harmless. It’s only after knowing the behavior of the rebellion I understood why this new character [rebellion] in me broke some gentle relationships [of the past] at playground(s) and past-time corners, which I regret. But after many years I rekindled a couple of old [broken] friendships by sharing my personal history. What is my personal history?

iNtentions

Many years ago, in 1998, I didn’t want to continue my formal education. It was the second time that I had felt to do it. The first time that I had felt to stop my formal education was at the age of 18. Perhaps in early teens I hadn’t enough courage to live with my own convictions. So I was, in a certain way, forced to go to college. Obviously, I didn’t pursue academic activities seriously. College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it. In my early twenties, as I said earlier, I refused to continue my formal education for a post graduate degree. In 1998, all I knew about myself was just one thing: that I was dissatisfied with my life and career. I wanted to know more about myself. Yes! That’s the first step to what I am today, a happy, contented man, though not so successful [in making money] as my high school friends who were just average in studies. What I am today is what I never wanted to be a few years ago. Actually, I have a passion for creativity. When I was in early teens, I was plunged by cynicism. Cynicism sucks life out of you; creativity puts life into you. Captivated by the process of creating reality from illusion and always striving for perfection I indulged in leisure, doing nothing else. I started to write to give myself a creative challenge, not with any intention to publish. I was writing and writing. I was working for no other reason than to hear people praise me. I craved that praise because I was carrying around the residue of academic failure. But it’s not a man’s life. You know, making money is man’s responsibility. So, I took up a clerical job in a junior college in 2002. I concentrated less on the menial job, more on visualizing a film story with junior college as backdrop. I lived in an illusion that somebody would discover me. In reality, cinema is a difficult world to break into. Through letters, conversations I had expressed my fond hope for camaraderie with film associates/crew to get access into the world of cinema where we can fulfill our creative potential. In fact, artists of all types should not want for someone to come along and ‘discover’ them, but should instead empower themselves to take control of their own careers, which I have failed to understand and succeed. It’s never too late in life or fiction to revise. So I resolved to change my job designation. After coherent watch over the intricacies of English Faculty at Junior college level [especially the rural class] I became assertive to work as English faculty. In June 2005, I wrote a letter to the college management about my intention to enter the English Faculty. The classes for the Senior Intermediate were re-opened on June 02, 2005. There was one dangerous and chaotic class in the college. Strangely the [private] management, overwhelmed with their extreme nuisance, hadn’t conducted English classes till July 13, 2005. Later, I was called to educate the offensive boys and indecent girls [not all]. It’s my first classroom teaching experience ever. Like the other ‘experienced’ lecturers, I didn’t restrain from teaching those violent students. What gave me the strength to stand amidst the chaos and persist for one academic year? READING . By reading books we share the courage and endurance of adventurers, eventually reinforcing our characters with perseverance and resilient spirit. Like other lecturers, who had given up teaching those ‘ugly’ students, even I too was humiliated by their villainous behavior. But I hardened myself to listen to their ‘vulgar’ language and endured their bad behavior and learnt a lesson on humiliation the hard way: People have reacted to humiliation in different ways. Some went mad. Some committed suicide. Some took the path of violent resistance. But I bore it in a different way. Under the pressure, you become strong, even unbreakable. Living under intense pressure is underground resistance to wickedness. You become hard and bright, able to cut through things the world imagined to be impenetrable. So what comes out at the end is an increase in goodness, not just in wealth. There’s one more eccentric point about me as English faculty. I haven’t pursued formal education to teach English. But I have acquired not only the ability to speak English fluently and write English creatively but also to teach academic English. There are many books that teach Spoken English. Many of them are useful to some extent. But the best way of learning to speak good English is a vast reading of books [plays, novels and poetry]. Not until the age of seventeen, had I had the habit of reading books. Then what’s the reason behind the transition? Discouragement. At school, I had distinction in academics. Also, I had excelled in a sport, Badminton. I had been playing Badminton with a racket worth Rs.175. I wanted a Rs.800/- worth racket for a better performance and I deserved it. But I was rejected. I was hurt. Never to be hurt again, I wanted to be perfectly safe, so I wrapped my heart carefully with hobbies [reading, writing, and music] and little luxuries [Levi’s clothes, Adidas sneakers].

There’s a lot you can do even when you are discouraged and discontented at any stage of your life only if you have the knack to find a positive for every negative and see every setback as a challenge.

The End

‘Forget yesterday, live today and fantasize tomorrow’

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